But what isn't?

The entire process of pulling back the curtain and seeing what goes into being a homebuyer is fascinating. If you’d asked me 6 years ago what the home mortgage process is like, I wouldn’t have known a damn thing. But 5+ years in the mortgage industry, you pick up a few things. Granted, I’m removed from the front end process. I not only see the back-end product, I see it after someone else has signed off on it. The loans are already closed; we’re not in a unique position per se (plenty of other businesses have correspondent operations), but it is different than being a closer or a loan officer on the front end. There are certainly unique aspects to it, but the process of getting a home loan is pretty much the same from place to place. Going through it and knowing how things are going to be looked at on the back-end makes it a little odd, though.

I know how someone on the back end is going to look at the information I provide. Not exactly, of course. But I know how all the information is going to make my loan application look. I know what factors make me a risk (and which ones don’t). It’s an odd bit of knowledge I never thought I’d have in this lifetime. Understanding the process front and back, though, does nothing to make the entire process of buying any easier. I’m not so naive as to think that it’s too much of a magical process. Plus, it does nothing about the ineffable qualities of buying a place. There’s an aspect to any large decision that can’t easily be quantified. And much like anything, there’s a tendency to try and take it down as many branches as possible (if you are me). How will my life be if I buy here? Or here? Or if I don’t buy at all? Do I really want to lock into Lowertown? Wouldn’t it be a hell of a lot more convenient to live in the North Loop? Is anything worth that much money?

There aren’t easy answers to it. But forecasting just isn’t possible. This is a risk. I know it is. We all probably have some expectations of where the housing market is heading for a variety of different reasons. We are all informed by a variety of different knowledge bases. Maybe seeing loans every day isn’t a good thing. Maybe it’s making me wait for a deal that will never happen because I see some things get through and they seem positively like steals, even for the Twin Cities. But when I set that aside and I look at reality, I know some things. I know it isn’t much more to pay a mortgage than it is to pay a lease. I know I do want to continue living in Saint Paul, specifically in Lowertown, because I love it. I know that I’m probably here for the next couple years because it looks like there are enough good professional challenges in my current role to make that last. I know that I would like to go back to school, so I probably should stay put for a while. But mostly, I know that it just may not work out the way I want it to, buying a place.

That’s important. Too often, it seems that people just don’t understand the risks they are taking. I’m not just talking in regard to home loans. I’m saying in many things in life. Maybe this is just me, but it seems that people want to be told one version of the truth and that they then expect that to be what happens. But it’s not. I’m not absolving banks from a lot of the things they’ve done during the housing crisis by any means. All I am saying is that someone had to actually sign that paperwork at close too. Too often, I’ve found, we expect to be shielded from the unpleasant realities. We blame large entities for telling us what we want to hear when we won’t, in fact, listen to the contrary information. I think this is human nature. People have that inenarrable ability to talk themselves into just about anything, given the proper circumstances. Whether it’s a decision as small as to whether they should have dessert or as big as whether they should have signed that option arm. It is, of course, much more complex than that, with various societal pressures (i.e. in the case of home ownership, it being the American Dream) that inevitably sway the thinking of individuals as well as our own thoughts and feelings. But on a basic level, it doesn’t seem like it’s much of a stretch to say that we frequently expect certain things in the face of facts if that’s what we want to believe. I’m certainly no outlier, though I constantly make an effort to check that sort of feeling in myself.

I read somewhere, though I cannot recall now, that he point of flipping a coin to help you make a decision is to see which way you pull yourself before the coin has cast its inevitable heads or tails. That is, while it is flipping, what is it that you are hoping for? I think there’s a ton of truth in that. We, as individuals, talk ourselves into things all the time. Hell, I talk myself into my bike ride every day, and I’ve been doing that pretty solidly for almost two years. We all constantly still have debates with ourselves, even over the aspects of our lives that we institutionalize. Be honest, do you really want to get out of bed 5 days a week and go to your job? Maybe most of the time, but all of the time? The weight of the consequences weighs heavy though, doesn’t it? While it’s perfectly acceptable to call in every so often on a sick day where you are filled with nothing more than terror and ennui at the thought of doing what you do, we obviously can’t make the habit of that as individuals. Unless we are willing to accept the consequences that go along with that behavior. What we can’t and shouldn’t do is complain when get caught trying to play both sides of that, expecting no consequences while not owning up to the responsibility. It’s just not a healthy way to live.

All of which brings me right back around to whether or not to buy. I’m not forcing anything. I found a place I like, but I think the price is a bit high. I’ll see if I can’t get that down. Maybe I can and I’m comfortable. Maybe I can’t and I’ll end up finding a short-term lease or month-to-month option. Maybe I’ll panic and pull the trigger anyway. God knows. I suppose I’ll find out. At least in the Twin Cities, the scale has shifted. It’s no longer advantageous to be a renter. And I no longer feel uncomfortable about the prospect of locking into something. I have fewer overall financial concerns in regard to what I’m going through in the rest of my life. It could be a huge mistake. It could be the best decision I end up making. That could be said of a lot of things though. All I can do is be cognizant of both the upside and the downside of the decisions I make. And I am. There are definitely aspects of buying a place that I do not appreciate from my current vantage. And there’s nothing I can do about that. Quite likely, I’ll just find out. What more can we do? I have certainly pondered the various consequences, but there’s not much good that can come of thinking too much. Even a few years ago, I never thought I’d say that. But it’s true. There’s that balance between act-first impetuousness and paralyzing forecasting that I’m trying to get better at. Buying a place? It’s another time to practice that. I’m not being flippant. Just honest. It’s hard to realize it may never be perfect but it still may be right. It’s harder yet to embrace that. I’m gonna try.

It’s not by design, but I have been pretty quiet the past couple weeks. I can’t say I’ve been working too much. This week, at least, I can’t say I’ve been going out too much. What I can say is that I just have been a bit disengaged. Or rather distracted by a number of other things. I’ve always tried to do a good job of leaving work at work, but as I climb the corporate ladder little by little, I find this to be tougher to do. There’s that California trip I’m planning, which has taken a fair amount of planning and research, and most of it seems to be together now, and the rest I’ll just have to figure out as I go along. But by far, the thing that’s been weighing on me the most is that as of right now, I will have no place to live in 46 days.

Not that this is a new phenomenon. I have moved a lot in the Twin Cities, and moved yearly in college as well. I know the drill by now. What makes this different than other times is that I am actively looking to buy instead of rent. It’s just not a renter’s market right now; I knew that well before I got my lease renewal paperwork, but that confirmed my suspicion when the price went up a bit more than I expected. Not that I blame my landlords in any way. They are having no problem renting these units out (last I heard, mine was the only one left, and the lack of notices that people are looking this weekend leads me to believe they finished that off). It’s a great building; Light Rail is coming in behind it, right behind the onsite parking. There are several wonderful local places within a couple blocks, from the fine dining of Heartland to my favorite haunt The Bulldog (someday I’ll write about what being a regular at a bar is like). Mears Park is across the street, and whether it’s the Christmas lights, the parade of weddings, the wonderful line-up of outdoor music or just a good place to let your dog out, it’s a pretty great little square block of park to have across the street from you. Skyway access is but a block away, which connects you with the other side of downtown on those days where it’s not any fun walking outside. That’s not even mentioning that the Saints stadium is most likely coming to Lowertown as well. It’s a pretty great place to live.

All of which leads me to believe this is where I want to continue to live. Not this very apartment, but this general area. I love the feel of Lowertown. Even if it makes me feel like I’m on the other side of the world when it comes to planning events with my friends in Minneapolis. Plus, as I enumerated above, there’s a lot going on here. I really sincerely feel like this would be a great time to lock into this very area of the city. And as I look around at the various buildings where condos are available, I’m spending a lot of energy sizing up what is and isn’t important to me. How much is Skyway access worth? What about an extra parking space for visitors? How much am I going to get out of my association fees compared to what I’m getting now? Do I really want to lock into a residence after all these years of renting? I have dealt with this as I deal with many things in life (empirically attempting to judge what’s worth what), complete with a spreadsheet and everything. And I haven’t even really done any serious looking yet. I’ve been a bit bogged down in dealing with the broker onsite at work, but that is clearing itself up. And I have to move quickly.

Not that I should rush into buying. I just have to make a decision to some degree. If trying to buy isn’t coming together soon, what am I doing with all of my stuff? And where the hell will I stay in the meantime? I’ll figure out something. While it bears some thinking, it’s not worth worrying about too much at this point. 46 days is a long time, and I’ve got other problems to focus on. But it has clearly weighed on me somewhat in the past week or so. Which is why it’s worth writing about. It’s how I work things out. Maybe you talk it out. Maybe you internalize it. I like to write, and put together information. Maybe I should make a list (Ha! I am my father’s daughter). No matter, it just helps to get it out. I’ve been thinking about it a lot, and I’ve done all the thinking I need to for the time being. The next 46 days should be about trying to figure it out.

I know what I want. But as I learned when I moved to Lowertown two years ago, that can change. So yes, I’m thinking about this immediate area. But I also can’t forget Minneapolis (specifically the North Loop) or even some other areas of Saint Paul (like up on Grand). Because you never know what you are going to find. The same way that I’ve been open overall to the thought of moving out of state, I must be open to moving around the area. Within reason, of course. I’m a city girl. I know that. I love the walkability of a city. I know those are things I’m not willing to give up. Not that I’m going to say never to a suburb again. But it’s definitely not what I want now, and it hasn’t been what I’ve wanted for years. Not that I can predict exactly where I’m going to be in 5 years, but I don’t think that will change. But I just don’t know, and there’s no reason to say stupid things like that. As of right now, though, I’m not looking for anything outside of either city (or the Twin Cities itself…calm down, California peeps). It’s just where I’m at. My current job makes sense. And I love my city. Maybe looking at a couple places in Minneapolis will reinforce that. Or it’ll change my mind. Hard to say, really. The only way to know is to find out.

I’ll never get to do it all of course. I can’t live everywhere I want to, I can’t do everything I want to. I certainly can’t afford all of the things I want to, either. There are a lot of limiting factors in life. But I am okay with all of that. Where I’m at right now is not so bad. And rather than dwell on where I’m going to live too much like I have this week, it’s time to get back out there. I took a week off from shows (not the greatest week on the calendar or I was busy, friends out of town, wasn’t feeling it), but it’s time to get back to that. And then there’s that pending California trip. Plus, there’s just things to do. Happy hours and shows and work and biking and writing and all those little things that make life wonderful. I will be living someplace on June 1st. Not sure where, of course. But someplace. In the next 46 days, I’ll figure it out. Not to sound too flippant, of course. Buying a home is a big decision. But life is full of a lot of big decisions. I don’t want to come across like I’m thinking about it the same way I am wondering what I’ll have for dinner tonight. There’s obviously a different kind of gravity between those kinds of decisions. But all the same, it’s a decision, and I just have to make it after a certain point. I will always have incomplete information. Of course it could end up not working out. I’m fully cognizant that a lot more can not work out when it comes to homes (I see it every day, after all) than to whether I choose to get some cheap Chinese tonight. But I can’t get so distracted by that that I’m not out there living life, enjoying myself, all the while working on figuring this out and doing what I can as I go.

Road shows are strange. Mostly because I never know where to stand. Don’t take this the wrong way. I certainly haven’t been to every venue in the Twin Cities, but of the venues that host the bands I like to see (playing in rooms that hold anywhere from 100-1500 depending on their popularity), I’ve managed to work out my favorite locations. When I’m by myself at First Avenue, for example, stage left balcony is one of the places you’re most likely to find me. When I’m with other people, I tend to be much closer to the stage, on the floor, stage right. In the Entry, it’s always stage right unless it’s too packed when I spill in from the Depot or whatever I was coming from prior, at which point I end up crammed in somewhere by the bathrooms. You can stand anywhere at the Triple Rock and it will sound great and you’ll have a pretty good shot of seeing things. The Varsity? Your best bet is to just walk right up to the stage unless you get one of those cool lounging couches for a laid-back show (good luck). At the Turf Club I favor the tables when I’m with people and the bar when I’m not, and if I really like a band, I’ll go stand right up front. Really, the only way to see a show at the Fine Line is to make sure you are up front, since the sightlines are terrible, but it doesn’t matter which side you are one. You can stand anywhere in Station 4 and it’s guaranteed to sound and look kind of terrible, because that’s just the way the venue is. Hopefully, you get the point. In the Twin Cities, at the venues I tend to frequent, I know where I like, for anything from aesthetics to sound quality. It’s when I get out of the Twin Cities that things get dicey.

DC9 is a venue that hosts a lot of cool bands. Shows that I would have gone to in high school if I’d been really cool or had an older brother who was in a band in the DC area to get me into good music (if it has been there that long…uncertain). It’s the equivalent of The Entry in my mind in terms of the bands it books. I saw Deafheaven, Alcest, Black Clouds, and Auroboros (whom I missed) last night (sadly, the Deafheaven/Alcest tour does not seem to include the Midwest since it was an outta Texas to NYC sort of tour). If I lived in the area again, I would live as close as I possibly could to this place (since it’s also walking distance from the 9:30, U Street Music Hall, and not that far from the Black Cat) since I could easily see myself spending 1 to 2 nights a week there (again, like the Entry). I have been to DC9 once before, for Free Energy two and a half years ago, before you or most people had heard of them, judging from the 40 or so people there (I have the 7 inch to prove it), and on that occasion, I really didn’t have all that much trouble getting sightlines, but I never really did figure out where to stand.

As an actual entity, DC9 consists of three levels. The first level is just a bar that has, in my short experience, always had a too loud DJ playing by the time the show is over. I haven’t been up to the rooftop deck, but it’s where the smoking is and it was definitely open since it’s nice here. The second floor is where the venue portion is. You walk into the bar, walk to the back, go up some stairs, turn right and basically walk back toward the street-facing portion of the building. As you walk into the room, there’s a bar on your right (no taps, always disappoints me when I see that). Ahead in the left corner is an angled stage playing into a rectangular room. There are booths that line both sides of the room, and I suppose potentially a few tables in the middle if there’s not music. It’s a bit awkward, to be honest. The sound is pretty decent, but this trip, I couldn’t determine if it were any different on the left or right side (which is good, but usually the sound does shift around the room a bit). And the sightlines are awful when there are people there. It’s a flat room and the stage is raised maybe 6-8 inches. They do have a lot of monitors around, but since the egress and green room are both behind where you come in and the bands stack up their gear between the booths and the stage. I’m tall enough to see pretty much anywhere at a show like this, but still, it was hard to make out too much of what was going on. They compensate by putting a decent amount of video monitors in the room if you are really intent on seeing. I found that I could see enough of Deafheaven and their swoonworthy lead singer that it wasn’t a particular issue, but definitely something to keep in mind for future shows should I find myself back there again (I’m guessing yes).

Maybe I’m just spoiled, but lots of good cities have lots of good venues, so I doubt that. It could be that I’ve just worked it out in the Twin Cities. I remember the same issue of not knowing where to stand at The Independent watching Keep Shelly In Athens. Not that sightlines were a particular issue in that place (raised stage and all). But I never did figure out the best place to soak in the music. Perhaps it’s just that I’m not on my home turf. Or even someplace that I have a great deal of experience with. Had I been at a show at the 9:30, I’m sure I would have known right where I wanted to stand, given that I’ve seen many a show there in my days. Though, in a way, that will always be my home turf, given that I cut my concert-going teeth there with the likes of bands that are mildly embarrassing to mention in retrospect (I’m talking about you, Better Than Ezra or Collective Soul) (though, if the price were right…). But that doesn’t change the familiarity with the venue. Tonight I’ll get to try and figure it out all over again as I make my way to Red Palace for Cloud Nothings and A Classic Education. And of course, it’s more than where you stand. It’s where you park, what the best thing to order at the bar is, whether the food’s any good, and so much more. A lot of little things can contribute to an overall experience, little things that you don’t think about, like where you stand or how long it takes to get there. A lot of that is expectation management as well. If you go into a venue expecting one thing, but end up getting another, you could end up with a completely different opinion. I never have that moment at the Entry anymore unless it’s in regard to the band playing. The venue still surprises me, but not enough to heavily influence my opinion of the product (whatever band that might be).

Still, it’s good to shake one’s expectations from time to time. Musically, I get that by consistently seeing new bands or seeing bands again after they’ve made a great change in terms of their sound, line-up, etc. But you can also get that the old fashioned way. A different city, a different venue, these sorts of things elicit different reactions, song choices, banter, emotion from the crowd and the artists. Some bands will probably never play Minnesota any time soon, if they ever do at all. So far this trip I’ve seen several that I’d have to travel to see because of that reason. And I will be spared the obligatory Prince/Replacements/Hüskër Dü comments at a show tonight, though it could just as easily be replaced with comments about The Dismemberment Plan or Fugazi here. Of course some of it’s showmanship, some of it’s also genuine though. Go to enough shows and you can start to tell the difference (or at least tell which artists are good at making that emotional connection in each city). Some bands just love playing First Ave and it shows (there’s a reason it’s one of the best venues in the US). But that’s not every band. And who knows when the next time I’m out of town I see a band on a stage that they take as one of their favorite places? I may not know where to stand in those moments. But I started seeing music because that’s one of the aspects that I love. You just never know what’s going to happen next. I’ve seen acoustic guitars smashed, people dry-humped on stage, simulated porcine sex (as some best put it), Brit Daniel randomly walk out for an encore with another band, just to mention a few things, and of course a ton of great music. Most of that stuff didn’t happen on the stage at First Ave or anywhere else in the Twin Cities. I am not comparing the other cities mentally in my head. I just know I’d be remiss if I didn’t carve a little time out of my schedule to do something that I still love, even when I travel. DC has things that Minneapolis never will musically and vice versa. It’s not better or worse, just different…okay, maybe the Twin Cities is a little better. I mean, First Ave. You never know, though, unless you go find out. Whatever it is that you love, go find out.

For whatever reason that anything begins to trend on the Internet, I’ve seen the following story or more easily digestible short recaps of it popping up all over the place: Why We Have to Go Back to a 40-Hour Work Week to Keep Our Sanity. It’s a well-written, decently well-supported 4000+ word piece about how we should all work 40 hours again because it’s better for us and we should start demanding it. It’s also Barmecidal (I’ve totally used that before recently, haven’t I?). Okay, maybe that’s a bit much to say about it, but I do think the somewhat tidy conclusion of we need to confront our bosses and change this, get back our work-life balance, rah rah rah is a stretch. In a multitude of ways. There’s the platitude-like nature of the statements in the ending as well. While the author does an excellent job of highlighting the problems, she really doesn’t do much to contribute to the solutions, or highlight the challenges therein.

I am not saying we shouldn’t be having this discussion. In fact, I think it’s great that we are. I agree with all of the items laid out. I’m not going to try and set myself up as some outlier. I’m sure the 40+ hour weeks I’ve put in for years and years do me no good. That time has to come out of somewhere (I certainly get my exercise, I usually have plenty of time to cook if I want, I’m guessing sleep, though even when I work 40 hours a week, that tends to get thrown under the bus). I get that. There’s a finite amount of time to do infinite amount of things. I, at least, am not salaried, though 1.5x the pay only ameliorates so well after you’ve had overtime for a long time. I consciously make plenty of other decisions that I know are not good for me all the time as well, though, staying up late to see shows, drinking, eating things that I want irrelevant of their overall effect on me at times. I could go on. We all have a lot of bad habits. Previous generations had bad habits. Future generations will have bad habits. Because they feel good. Or because everyone else is doing it. Just as we chastise past generations for their smoking, future generations will judge us for how much red meat we eat, or the fact that we even have fast food as a concept. The tide might be changing on a concept, but many of us are stuck in the past, in old ways that are hard to change.

And yet, it’s great that we have conversations about these things all the time. You never know when the next article you read, the next person you talk with, the next event you witness is the one that makes you realize that it’s time to change how you live. There’s a reason I bike to work. Because one day it clicked. Not that I can point to that exact moment. But at some point, it just made sense. I stopped making the excuses and figured out how to make it happen. It didn’t instantly cure all the other problems in my life. But in that one regard, I had finally changed my mind. I convinced myself to make the mechanics of it work. It actually makes me work less overtime than I used to in the past. So does living further from work. I made a couple changes that actually made it harder to grind myself down too much. So maybe I already did start to make better decisions.

But I think it’s too close-minded to say that all employers want or expect endless overtime from their employees. In fact, I think it least in my general area of my employer, the management group is making a concerted effort to get to a point where they don’t need overtime. The first couple years I was there, it was a pretty rare thing due to the fact that they had it forever at the beginning of the century (love that I can say that). But the past 3-4 years have just been a batshit crazy time to be involved in the mortgage industry, whether it’s because you are working too much or too little is tough to say. I have been on the end where I’ve been working too much. Which is great for my bottom line in terms of what I’m taking in (again, I get paid overtime) and not that hot for a lot of other things in life. That is ignoring the fact that I should probably try to live within a pay structure that doesn’t include overtime. But you get used to what you have, even when you try not to. I’ve learned how to get that balance better while making it work for my employer. It’s not optimal, but that’s how it works.

In the meantime, it’s not like my employer has sat idly while overworking us. They’ve added many many employees to my overall area. They’ve added them as much as they can fit them in the building. They’ve added people at other locations in the country. They are making an effort to address the fact that we are busy, staying busy, and it’s not likely to change. But I work in a tumultuous business, that mortgage industry. The overall workflow, whether because a competitor changes business strategies (or goes out of business) to whether a state or the country changes regulations, has quite a bit of ebb and flow. It’s not my job, but looking up, it seems like a rather challenging thing to figure out how to appropriately staff. It feels like when we’re caught up there are too many people and the rest of the time there are not enough. There’s a balancing act involved with that, and it’s not just based on the more cynical thought of how we can maximize profits (though, I’m sure someone is thinking about how to make as much money as possible. It is business). I am sure that we are not the most productive people because of all of the various stressors and I am sure that the numbers in many various studies are well based in reality.

All of that isn’t even getting into the simpler costs of the matter. Where do we put people? We need the space, and those kinds of facilities cost money, whether it’s as simple as keeping the air on or paying the security for it. It costs money to stock those facilities with the necessary tools of our trade, computers, office supplies, etc, and we aren’t even in a capital-intensive business when it comes to what we need, but I imagine it’s still not cheap. So on that side of things, there’s certainly a cost. This doesn’t even scratch on the human capital, the fact that even though I don’t feel like my job is too hard for people to get the hang of, many people bust out, or what it costs to have an employee beyond just salary (insurance and other sundry benefits). In a perfect world where the people coming in make a sufficient amount of money, and we don’t have to worry about the lost capital of spending resources to train them, and the benefits work out for the best, there’s still a cost to bringing in and keeping those people. It doesn’t magically remove unemployment if we have a tough time finding people who can even do the job. And I’m not even in all that specialized a location in the industry (given my sweet B.S. in English Literature and all). Would you rather have substandard work from people who can do the job but don’t work as well working 60 hours a week or substandard work from people working 40 hours a week that just can’t cut it? Not a particularly enviable situation.

I get the impression, at least with my specific line of work in my specific area, that they are cognizant of all of that. But there are business pressures. There are still so many loans to deal with. So many. And as an employer, the decision between figuring out how to balance out taking on business versus taking care of everyone is tricky, but I’m not so cynical as to think that my overall boss doesn’t want us to be balanced as individuals. There are a lot of conflicting alignments pulling us all a lot of directions. Some of us have stretched ourselves too thin and need the extra money. Some of us would rather be there than a lot of other places in our lives, for better or for worse. Some of us just do what we’re told. In that sense, standing up for ourselves makes sense. But that’s not just in regard to a 40 hour work week. If you need the money, then why do you? Because of things you want? Things you need? Because life hasn’t shaken out well and it’s costing you more than you’d hoped? Look, there could be a million reasons. It’s not really too worth getting into. Or rather, it is, in your own personal life, in your own circumstances. You need to be asking yourself those questions. And I don’t have a platitude that’s going to change the unique circumstances in your own life.

I have, however, grown somewhat less cynical about the nature of things in life, especially in regard to the working world. I get the impression that, at least where I am, that they are making an effort. Have I been hoodwinked? Am I willfully convincing myself of that which is not the truth? It’s certainly possible. We do that to ourselves all the time. And while reading about the need to get back to 40 hours is great, what I have to ask myself is what am I doing to help make that a reality? Certainly just standing my ground helps myself (ignoring any potential blowback). But now that I’ve got a promotion and I’m moving up a little, how do I make it better for more than just myself? Maybe that means putting in slightly longer hours now until we can get more people up to speed.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve already learned that there’s too much to do and there will always be something else to work on. That’s just true of life. It’s not pithy, it’s not a platitude, it just is. Me just saying I am only going to work 40 hours is a selfish solution. Even if we all did that, it would be treating the symptoms, not the cause. When I read the piece by Sarah Robinson, I’m struck that it feels like half a story. It may be convenient or clean for the purposes of storytelling, but there’s not much discussion of how to actually address the problems. Standing up for yourself is one thing. Figuring out how to actually effectively implement change not just in your life, but in the lives of others? That’s a whole different affair. Because if life is about balance, it shouldn’t just be about taking care of ourselves. Yes, you have to look out for yourself. I’m not going to provide trite solutions to that. What I am going to figure out, at least in my own life, is how to actually sustainable get to the point where I do work a bit less. Which means not just figuring out how I can make a better contribution, but how I can get several other individuals to make better contributions. I don’t have the solutions either. But I think we ought to at least be talking about them.

There’s a lot in a headline. Here’s an example: Sweden Moves to End Forced Sterilization of Transgender People. This came up a few days ago in a friend’s feed, and well, who am I to resist a good trans link? Now, there’s nothing wrong with the story, or really particularly the headline, but as I commented in short, it does touch on some of the more complex nature of being trans, and how one goes about getting society to accept it. Now forced sterilization is essentially what I went through. I, of course, understood that the very nature of a vaginoplasty ensured that I would never genetically have children (having not frozen sperm or donated it, etc). But there’s a lot in word choice. Most states, at least to change your birth certificate, require that you have had, or have scheduled, surgery, along with requisite proof from the doctor who performed it. While there can be a lot of debate about what “irreversible medical procedures” are, at least in the MTF world, a vaginoplasty is a pretty irreversible thing with respect to sterilizing you. But how are you selling it? Are you getting a vagina and aligning your genitalia with who you are or are you going through sterilization? There’s a ton of gradation between those two ends as well.

Of course, to complicate things, surgery certainly isn’t the solution for everyone. Whether it comes down to money or a simple desire not to (there are many other factors as well), plenty of people who identify elsewhere on the gender spectrum than their birth gender and choose not to take surgical routes to ameliorate that. What do we do with those people? How do we figure out how to meet their demands? Because that’s essentially the problem that you start running into when you try to figure out where you draw the line in regards to how gender shows up on legal documentation. The U.S., for all its craziness, actually is a pretty amenable country when it comes to getting things done (or so I’ve found at this time in life). Granted, I live in a rather trans-friendly area (the state of Minnesota in general and the Twin Cities in specific), so my viewpoint may be a bit skewed. While I was certainly worried, I didn’t actually have a great deal of difficulty getting my driver’s license changed (well before surgery). Once I got that changed, it was a bit of a domino effect as I had something legally binding to change the rest of the data (with a few exceptions). Of course, the concern is, with nothing to back it up, what happens when someone calls you out on it in some regard. I certainly didn’t view it as fraud (this is who I am), but that’s not necessarily what the rest of the world at large might believe. Who do you treat someone who is outwardly female, but might still have a penis (correct answer, not like this)?

So how do you do it? This isn’t to say I don’t support Sweden’s effort to change the legislation, but where do you draw the line? Society is constantly shifting those things. We say no to athletes taking performance-enhancing drugs even though the goal is to make them better athletes. You could start making a case about how that damages their body, etc, etc, etc. But I can’t genetically have kids. From that standpoint, I’ve elected to do some pretty significant damage to my body. Not including whatever fun effects estrogen has on me (hopefully, my pancreas will never melt, as Dr. Feldman so eloquently put it). It’s a pretty simple example, but society is judging where we put the lines. And I, I try not to judge. Certainly, something like BIID doesn’t make any sense to me. That’s just not my experience. But how is it any different in terms of a high level look than what I’ve been through? How is any amount of surgical modification? Yes, it still seems weird to be addicted to plastic surgery and have hundreds of surgeries. But one tummy tuck or a nose job? Or even just handful? What if it is because you went through an accident? Does that suddenly make it more palatable? There’s a line, of course. But where is it?

I didn’t do a thorough amount of research, but just looking back at the Mother Jones article, it does fail to mention where is that line? There does have to be some sort of arbitrary place. Is it living 2 years in your chosen gender if not a surgical option? More? Less? Look, I get that the gatekeeping is frustrating, and it leads to a lot of pain for a lot of people (costly, time-consuming, etc). It also concentrates a lot of decision-making in the hands of people who maybe shouldn’t have it. There’s a ton of valid questions about how and what is the best way to figure out as a society how everyone else will recognize your transition. In that regard, I think Sweden’s efforts to have that discussion and shift that line are great. As a society, we should constantly be revisiting those sorts of things. But to get back to the specific example of transgender individuals…A ton of it is internal, and there’s a ton of validation in being yourself. But there’s even more validation when you both want and can get your documentation updated too. It’s empowering to realize that it’s not just in your head anymore when you share it with your friends. It’s just as empowering when you’ve got the state (or whatever governing entity exists where you are), maybe more so because you’ve got that back up. It’s a nice feeling to have someone in your corner, in any regard in life. Having society, in its laws and strictures, recognize that who you are is valid? It’s that feeling times a thousand.

I would love to think that having gone through the specific experience of transitioning I’d have something more authoritative to say about where that line should be, or at least what’s right, or what’s definitely wrong. But I don’t. I’ve seen people who only need to go through the bare minimum of therapy because they’ve got their shit together and they are just looking for someone to sign off on things for the insurance. I’ve seen others where it may take a lot longer to get through it because there’s a lot more than just being trans to sort out. I was somewhere in the middle. Some people will circumvent the gate-keeping entirely, choosing to go it on their own or electing not to utilize the services that it provides because they neither need nor desire it. Or because they can’t afford it. Or because they aren’t even aware that kind of support structure exists. It’s not fun being told there’s something wrong with you even though there isn’t. But the insurance coverage that comes along with someone saying there’s something wrong with you? That’s pretty nice. And that’s currently how it’s structured if you want insurance to cover your estrogen. Or if you’re lucky like me, your surgery. Which is what I needed to do to be able to change my birth certificate. That’s certainly not why I had surgery, but it’s a nice bonus. The people of Sweden are currently trying to change where that line is. And to them I say good luck. It’s not an easy thing as an individual to decide where that line is, much less as a society. But it is nice to see that it’s changing and those sorts of conversations are happening.