Posts Tagged ‘ randomness

Coin Flip

I’ve heard it said that coin flips tell us how we truly feel about one of the two options. That is to say, we know the outcome we want when we find ourselves fervently wishing for one or the other as the coin flips through the air. And me, I am inclined to agree with that. It can be quite revealing to see what it is that I want when I am forced to make supposedly equal decisions. That isn’t to say I have any decisions to make right now, though. My problems cannot be solved by a coin flip. I am waiting for other people to make decisions right now, and all I can hope is that if it comes down to a coin flip, they listen to whatever it is that they heard while the coin was in the air.

This isn’t an attempt to be intentionally cryptic, so I shall explain. I recently applied for a Financial Crimes Consultant 2 position (oh how we love our titles) with Wells. In San Francisco. Which in it of itself was a bit of a decision. I just bought a place, it seems. And moving 2000 miles, or even entertaining the thought, is a bit daunting. Right, it’s a complicated thing, and as with most cool complicated opportunities in life, I have had ample chances to talk myself out of it. But here’s the thing, it’s not my choice until and unless the put an offer on the table. So why make too many decisions before that point? Either I am going to get kicked out of the pool or they are going to make an offer. That’s the first point I have a major decision beyond the initial one. Obviously a lot of other decisions cascade out of that one, but why not see where it goes?

Certainly, it can be difficult to embrace that sort of mindset. If I have seemed a bit distant or out of character in regards to my planning, well, hopefully it makes a bit more sense in this context. I am not planning like I am going to be living somewhere else, but at the same time, there are few things that have come up in the Twin Cities that I couldn’t just figure out after giving this application time to play out. And at this point, I highly doubt I will be moving, given that the process has dragged on for a while. Then again, Wells is a large company and there are a multitude of reasons these things can take a long time. It’s not unheard of for people to hear back 3-4 months down the road from interviews, at least anecdotally speaking. Now who knows if the people I talk with are just trying to assuage me because that’s what I want to hear. It doesn’t particularly matter. What does matter is that I was being a bit backwards in my logic.

See, I just spent all this time talking about how I haven’t had decision points. And that’s true, I haven’t. But the same applies to things here in the Twin Cities. Sure, if I up and move, it’s a pain to get rid of the concert tickets I might buy for shows down the road. But it’s doable. Now I don’t think I’ve particularly missed out on anything yet, because I think the impulse to take the options that are in front of me is pretty strong, but I have been avoiding some commitments on the basis that I had applied for something (and in fairness, had gone a decent way into the process on). Have I just been using it as an excuse? I know I’m not always the best person at saying no, but I don’t think that’s it. I think it’s just the inherent hypocrisy in all of us. Our ability to apply different logic to different situations in ways that doesn’t make sense always strikes me as one of humanity’s most fascinating aspects. I am by no means immune. So it’s something I need to constantly question when I see it present in my actions and thinking.

To that end, I have applied for yet another position, same title, but this time a little closer to home (though further from where I live now) in St. Louis Park. Well, it’s across the street from the GMI main campus. It doesn’t feel like it’s in St. Louis Park, that’s for sure. But that is neither here nor there. It’s in the area that I’ve been targeting all along (Fraud Risk Management for those of you keeping score at home), so it’s not that surprising that an opportunity came up that I’m qualified for since, you know, that’s what I’ve been working toward. The position itself is definitely something I’m interested in. And all the hypotheticals around it, well, they are just that right now. Again, it’s the same logic. I’m not wantonly looking for whatever’s next. But I have applied for things over the past couple years that both seem interesting (as much as one can glean from a job description, at least) and that I’m qualified for. No one’s gonna come along and just give me that next job. Who knows? Perhaps I’ll go through the whole process for the job here and get offered a position in SF. Perhaps I’ll get offered neither. Really, it comes down to the same overall process. All I can do is what I can control. I can control going in and giving good interviews. I can control looking out for myself and trying to push myself professionally. I really don’t have any intention of getting too bogged down in the details. Perhaps I’ll be trying to sell my place. Perhaps I’ll be trying to figure out the logistics of a bike ride to the west metro from my place as my commute. Perhaps I’ll be doing nothing more than continuing to do my job and waiting for the next opportunity that looks like a good fit to come along.

Me, I’ve never been one for flipping coins. It’s a lousy way of determining most outcomes. Most times, I find I know what I want to do, but I’m just afraid or lazy or a lot of other adjectives. A coin doesn’t change that. I can. Like the jobs, I’ve just gotta try. When I look at a lot of aspects of my life, I can see that I’m not always trying. Anyway, it’s not about making the right decision. Who knows what the right decision is sometimes? It’s about making decisions, about being ready for them when the come, and not dwelling on them in the meantime. In respect to the two jobs so far, I’ve done what I can, and if it’s not enough, then I’ll revisit what I did and see what I can do that better next time. Though I’ll probably do the same thing even if I get an offer, because at least professionally speaking, that’s the kind of person I am. All I can do is keep going into work and doing my job in the meantime. And while by no means magical, the rest will take care of itself. Or rather, it’s other peoples’ decision. And you know what, ignore what I said earlier. I hope it doesn’t come down to a coin flip.

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